Marriage worksheet 004

Six Steps to Help a Couple Improve Marriage Satisfaction © 2016 Connected Marriage Step 4: Identify Conflict Patterns Couples often seek help because they are fighting so much. It’s tempting to think of managing conflict is just a need for better negotiation. But, conflict is not usually about solving the problem, it’s about how you treat one another. Couples often fall into conflict patterns. So they continue to follow the same patterns over and over again, regardless of the topic. It can look like this: He: She:  Criticizes  Defends  Criticizes again  Counter-criticizes  Defends  Stonewalls Choose Different Patterns When couples recognize their patterns, then they can choose different patterns and different reactions. As mentors, we hope that you’ll be able to help the couple to identify their poor patterns. Remember, focus on helping them see it themselves over giving them advice. Once the couple can recognize their pattern that is causing them to escalate or to disconnect, they can make different choices. Often times, we will have them pick out a conflict that is not emotionally charged. Once we can determine the pattern, we ask them what they were feeling when it happened. Where they feeling rejected, attacked or abandoned? Did it trigger a deeper emotion or filter? How could you change the pattern to address each person’s emotional needs? Questions to ask:  What does conflict look like in your relationship?  Do you have behaviors that aren't healthy? What is the impact of those behaviors? Are there other behaviors that you like or dislike?  How do you think that you contribute to this pattern?  How does your pattern affect your marriage relationship? What's the consequence of that?  What do you need from your spouse to stay engaged?

Thank you,

Monique Velasquez