Marriage Classes worksheet 002

2 Six Steps to Help a Couple Improve Marriage Satisfaction © 2016 Connected Marriage Step 1: Change the Focus When a couple is struggling, they often come into a meeting with a list of complaints. Often times, they are blaming and pointing the fingers at each other. They may even be embarrassed or ashamed that they are struggling. One of them may have objections about doing some type of a marriage program. They may not want to admit that they need help. Reframe the Conversation We like to reframe the conversation away from being about what their spouse is or isn’t doing to thinking about their relationship together. We introduce the concept that marriage is about the bond. We do this to help the couple to focus on their connection and NOT on what each of them is getting or not getting from the relationship. This allows us to have a language of “Is that building up your bond or tearing it down?” We ask questions to change the dialog. What would you like to have in your relationship? More connection? Less fighting? What do they want their relationship to be like in five years? It helps them to get outside of their current struggles and to look forward to what we’re trying to accomplish. It focuses them on the future and a solution that together we’re going to be working towards. Create Positive Interactions We also focus on creating positive interactions. It’s much easier to do something positive than to work through all the negative. We say, “I bet you know what you could do tonight to tear down your bond. What can you do to build it up?” What can you do over the next week? But honestly, focusing on positive interactions is very difficult for some couples. They are so lost in their hurt that they have a hard time thinking about anything else. If that is the case, we don’t push too much. But we do continually ask them, “What will build your bond vs. what will tear it down?” Questions to ask:  What do you do that improves your bond?  What do you do that tears down your bond?  What will be the impact to your bond if you continue in these behaviors?  What are you willing to do to improve? (Focus on "I" statements)

Thanks,

Monique Velasquez